Chapter I: Rocks Off

Chapter I: Rocks Off
And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.
"A Thousand Kisses Deep" -Leonard Cohen

She was one-hundred and five pounds of danger, evil, mystery, allure and viciousness. Lily was one of the most fascinating people I have had the pleasure and misfortune of making acquaintance. She was also very beautiful. She was Asian in blood and Caucasian in expression. Her intelligence surpassed my own and the irony of still loving her, after all of the horrendous events I suffered, can be accredited to her diabolical wisdom. I assumed that I was steering her in my direction, but had no idea that I was a mere pawn in her chess match against bigger entities in the spheres of politics and commerce in Manila. To this very day, dear reader, I love her. Every gaze out of the institution's wire-reinforced windows brings to mind thoughts of Lily. I can also hear her whispering in my ear many sleepless nights, "I love you. I will take care of you the rest of your life." I suppose, in a demented way, she has.
I first met Lily fifteen years ago. I was a full-time college professor and my marriage was on the outs. I'm still not sure if my penchant for drink, sarcasm and isolation was responsible for the dissolution, or if the squabbling was responsible for my thirst, but it's the old chicken and the egg, yes? I generally managed to keep my drinking to weekends. I would claim the bedroom, with at least two cases of beer as provisions and kept a bottle of vodka under the bed for heavy artillery. Oh, how I looked forward to the weekends. Each Thursday brought joy, knowing that the paradise of oblivion was near. As the relationship became more cantankerous, my alcohol intake increased with renewed self-righteous justification. When the word divorce began rearing its head, it was time for a trip to the doctor to procure a hydrocodone prescription for my feigned back troubles.
It was during this time that I began visiting social networking sites and making friend requests for fetish models, deviants, anarchists, porn stars and female friends of porn stars. I cannot recall which adult film star that Misanthropic Lily was a friend of, since I sent requests by the dozens and hoped to get a few acceptances for my efforts. Everyone used pseudonyms here. It was a shady world of deceit, lust and freedom; all from the comfort and privacy of the bedroom. What more could twisted minds ask for?  I began to devote an unhealthy amount of time to researching potential perverted friends. While scouring the friends of a professional, I saw Misanthropic Lily, slender, Asian, silky long black hair, perfect smile and a face of exquisite beauty. I hesitated to add her as a friend for fear that she may not be real. I reasoned that no woman this beautiful would waste her time being the online friend of a porn star. I clicked "add as friend" and hoped for the best. I continued my research and continued to drink. Little did I know that this single click would irreparably alter the course of my life.
The next morning, I rubbed my throbbing temples while checking my e-mail. I saw Lily had added me and I instantly felt less hungover. I clicked the link to Lily's profile before even getting my morning coffee and painkillers. I was elated! Her writing was flawless, cynical, scathing, brilliant and full of dark-edged humor. Her pictures were sexy and hypnotic. I only wondered, aloud, mumbling to myself "is she real?" It seemed too good to be true. A rebellious, tortured, intellectual soul whose pictures were making me slightly hard; she was everything I dreamed of. I went to brew coffee. I had a job to do. I had to make certain she was legit.
I tried to keep my first message friendly and light. I told her a little bit about myself and asked her a few questions. She was from Manila, a place I'd heard of but had no idea where or even what country it was located in. My cloudy mind conjured up prostitutes, opium dens and Asian gangsters.  I mentally associated Manila with ideas of decadence and depravity. Apparently, somewhere in my reading, I had heard things about this city, things that were wickedly delicious. I could not recall just where, but Manila painted an Oriental bohemian paradise in my head.
I sent the message, not sure if she would reply or if she even checked her messages frequently. Someone added me, so I knew there was life at the other end. It was a crapshoot. I also wrote messages to a few porn stars and went about my business of taking pills and turning up the speakers as my buzz increased. My bitchy bride went somewhere and I was morbidly happy in my isolation. It was the way we both liked it.
Later, that very evening, I was thrilled to see a reply from Lily in my in-box. Not only did she answer every question I had asked her, she also asked me some in return. I was ecstatic that the conversation would keep going. She was beautiful, smart and actually interested in my life- in my pathetic life! I had plenty of papers to grade and lectures to prepare, but these became completely unimportant. All that mattered to me at that moment, and still today, was Lily- my Lily- my lovely, beautiful, caring and dark-humored Lily.
She was very cordial, matter-of-fact and friendly. She asked me about my preferences in music and books, two of my favorite topics. I smiled, cracked my knuckles, and got down to the task at hand. Somehow, it was easy to open up and be honest with someone I barely knew, particularly when she was a smoking hot Asian chick living somewhere on the other side of the world. I told her about my work, my education and my tastes in art, music and literature. I also told her about my miserable marriage and the myriad amount of injustices my soon to be ex had incurred against me. I had five paragraphs and finished with a plea of "I hope you really are the person in your pictures and not just some fat homo typing from his ailing mother's basement in Milwaukee."
After sending the message, a few unmemorable days passed. Work was work and each day when I returned home, I went straight to the computer. Every hour I checked my e-mail. On weekends, it was every twenty minutes. An entire week passed and I was worried. I barely knew Lily and was missing her already. I mean, I had some fetish models that I was writing to, but their messages were brief, dull and mostly full of awkward grammar. Finally, a reply from Lily came. The other women did not even compare to her high energy, witty phrasing and personable expression. Lily was craftier with American slang than most Americans. She was also hipper to American culture than most Americans. She did not even address my woeful marriage, which showed wisdom and tact. She talked about Bob Dylan and Jim Morrison and The Omen and Edgar Allan Poe. She told me how she did not believe in god and how religious hypocrites really got under her skin. She also expressed her view that most wars were due to religious beliefs, and expressed it rationally and logically. She joked about pornography, necrophilia and sodomy. How I was fascinated with the radical ideas of this brilliantly vulgar angel. She felt that "…most priests are just fags in robes…carnality will always win over unnatural man-made rules of hypocrisy. It is the way we are and nothing we pretend to do can change it."
And, yes, dear reader, my own carnality was relishing every word. Not that I had a beef against God, but more an indifference, fueled by booze, pills, porn and miscellaneous diversions. Every radical idea she expressed was like cool, clear water to a man dying of thirst. Plus, she was hot as fuck and assured me that her pictures were her real pictures and that maybe we could talk by webcam when she got to know me better. I had a new friend. I had someone who was more interested in me than my soon to be ex. In thinking, she was as tough as any guy and experienced in the world. She knew things and had done things. Physically, she was graceful, slender, willowy and beautiful. She still is beautiful, in my visions and dreams.
Eventually we exchanged messenger names and began to occasionally chat in real time. Lily was very computer savvy and knew how to convert files, download files, what programs to use with files, websites that had endless torrents and how to convert and alter pictures. When it came to computer skill, she was light years ahead of me. She was also kind enough to teach me how to do things. I also finally got the pleasure of chatting with her on webcam. She was real, she was gorgeous, intelligent and dark-humored. I was beginning to like her and think about her more and more with each message exchange and webcam session. What man in his right mind wouldn't? She was hot as hell!
Over the next few years we continued to stay in touch. Many changes came about. On my end there was divorce, foreclosure, moving, new jobs and new dates. Sometimes we chatted for a few hours, other times months would pass before we communicated. When either one of us had the time and inclination, we knew the other one would soon make themselves available. It was always easy to get each other up to speed on the goings on of our individual lives. Lily was always a kind and sympathetic listener and always offered her insights and support. It felt easy to pour my woes out to Lily. She became a close friend over the years.
My life took some drastic turns over these years. I gave up drinking and drugging. I resolved to put away all mind altering substances on a New Years Day about nine years ago. This decision came after spending that New Years Eve with the barrel of a loaded shotgun in my mouth. My beagle licked my leg and I fell to my knees and cried out for God to help me. And I was helped, for awhile.
Life improved for me over the next few years. My finances, relationships and mental health were all moving in a positive direction. I was happy the majority of the time. I was still compulsive enough to enter a relationship with a busty college student during the fall semester of my second year of being sober. Her name was Jan and she was built like a Playboy bunny. She was also an alcoholic. This became apparent when she arrived at my house at ten in the morning and had whiskey on her breath.
"You must have partied hard last night, huh?" I asked.
"Yes, and I had a few this morning too."
"Already?"
"Well, I was nervous about driving over here."
The relationship lasted a mere three weeks. The sex was great, but everything else was chaotic. I poured my woes out to Lily and she was attentive and caring. This was the period of time when the serious consideration of a relationship began to take root. The timing was perfect, as Lily had just ended a long relationship a month prior to a gentleman who refused to commit.
These are the events leading to my own commitment to Lily, which in turn led to my commitment to madness, which in turn led to my commitment here at Hoffman Mental Health Center in scenic Palm Bay, Florida. Yes, my dear reader, I am certifiably insane and have the paperwork and certificate to prove it. Can you trust my story? Well, I leave you to make your own judgment. Nothing breeds skepticism more than an appeal to one's trustworthiness, at least for discerning minds. I will assure you that my motives for telling my saga are straightforward. It is partly a plea to my God for forgiveness. It is partly a confession of crimes against man and nature more grotesque than the rational mind can comprehend. Mainly, I tell my story as an expression of loyalty and unwavering devotion to the love of my life forever, Lily. I am confident in my ability to relate the series of events as they occurred. My memory is still intact, which is a blessing and a curse. My memories are what keep me here at Hoffman. My memories keep the vision and voice of Lily alive and well, though I have no idea where she actually is now.
Lily and I began to talk more frequently that spring. Flowers bloomed as my love for her grew. She was home more on the weekends and I no longer had weekend female guests. Despite being twelve hours ahead of me in time, we began to spend hours together on webcam and phone each weekend. I was slowly and steadily falling in love with this Asian beauty. I knew I had to meet her in person. I had to touch her and feel her and experience the chemistry we shared when we were physically together. I bought my ticket to Manila.
A few days later, I was talking to my friend Pete and he mentioned how he was planning a trip to Cabo San Lucas. I told him of my plans to go to Manila. "I'm going there to visit this chick I've been talking with for a few years, Lily," I stated, proudly showing him a picture of her that I kept on my phone.
"Wow," he uttered, "Does she have any friends or sisters?" This seemed to be the instant question that every male I showed her picture to would ask. It was just one more affirmation that Lily was fucking gorgeous. I have to confess, dear reader, it flattered my ego.
Pete was able to get his ticket on the same flight. He also had a million questions that I had no time, patience or interest for. "I'm just going there to be with Lily. That's my plan." I would answer. This would shut him up for about one hour, when he would call again. I just repeated the process until he realized I did not really give a fuck about anything beyond being with beautiful Lily. We made reservations at a condominium in Malate, the Mirage. We would be staying in a two-bedroom unit, on the nineteenth floor overlooking Manila Bay. It was going to be one hell of a trip.
I must pause here because the night-shift nurse is requesting my pen and notebook. They do not let us keep personal items here at the Hoffman Mental Health Center after lights out. A few of the more coherent and lucid old-timers explained how acts of self-mutilation and homicide occurred in past decades, ending with one patient beating his roommate to death by striking him repeatedly in the temple with the spine of a hardcover book during the night.  The irony being that the book was titled Don't Worry About It. If any of the night shift workers should read my notebook, more power to you. Perhaps you will better understand how a once well respected professor, an upstanding member of the community, now finds himself in the mental ward. I would behoove you to at least tell me that you are reading it and refrain from being sneaky about it. Sneakiness and deception turn me disdainful. But I am confident that my sordid tale is of little interest to the workers here. After all, they have their own lives to be interested in and the mad scribbling of another loony patient is of minor interest. If you are reading this and you work here, please call the exterminator and have a professional kill the fucking rats in the walls!
The morning is the calmest time here and a splendid time of day to write some more pages. I have had my breakfast, taken my medications and taken care of hygiene issues. Let's move on with my saga. I must tell you, the twenty-three hour flight to Manila was not so bad. The worst part of it was the stress of smuggling thirty-six dildos in my suitcase. Why, you ask? Well, Lily's friend, Reshi, runs a number of different businesses and one of her stores sells sex toys. Apparently, jelly dildos are expensive and hard to find, so I was asked by Lily to bring as many "cocks" with me as I could, and that I would be compensated for more than my original investment. She also told me Reshi was hot, which made it much more thrilling to smuggle and deliver the goods. I just kept imagining the Manila customs agent scolding me in a foreign tongue while waving a dildo in my face, before escorting me away in handcuffs. I was also worried about explaining to Pete just why I felt it was important to travel with three dozen jelly dildos. There were no problems coming into Manila, though. The airport was hustling and bustling with Filipinos and the guards were lasses faire in their inspection of checked luggage. The lady simply smiled at me as I rolled my contraband through the gate.
The throng of people outside of the airport was a bit unnerving. Horns blowing, police whistles, people shouting in a foreign language and just plain crowded. In this sea of people, I instantly spotted precious Lily. Her smile, her silky hair and her graceful movement as she approached me made all of the noise; the confusion and the mayhem instantly fade away. We embraced, and I saw fireworks. My heart raced as we hugged. I was instantly in love, dear reader. The heart makes up its own mind, and I was at the mercy of its passion and desire. We made our way back to her mini-van and Pete and I fit our luggage into the back. I sat up front, admiring Lily, as she maneuvered the van into the chaos of the Manila night traffic.   
There were cars going in all directions and people everywhere on the sides of the streets and meandering on foot in the streets. There were old men on wobbly bicycles with baskets of produce working their way through and in between lanes of traffic. The rundown, ramshackle squalor of boarded buildings and rusty corrugated metal, with shoeless families squatting around a food kettle on the ground was a lot to absorb. People were living in holes of concrete walls and toddlers were sifting through debris on the side of the road. I have traveled throughout the United States, Spain, Japan and even Mexico, but apart from a few areas of Mexico, had never witnessed poverty to such an extent. I mentally questioned our safety in this bizarre city of extremes, the haves and the have-nots, with little apparent middle-class. Luckily, Lily was among the haves and reassured me of our safety.
"This place is fucking insane," I stated.
"This reminds me of some poor areas when I lived in L.A." added Pete.
"If you are with me, you do not have to worry about shit. Nobody is going to fuck with you," said Lily, in a matter-of-fact tone that enhanced the credibility of her claim.   
We continued through the traffic, my eyes glued to the foreign night life. The energy and congestion of the streets made me think it was like New York City on steroids.
"And here is where you will be staying," said Lily, pulling in front of a high-rise building that had a sign over the entrance: The Mirage. Pete and I pulled our luggage from the back and Lily parked the van around the corner. We checked in and took the elevator up to the nineteenth floor.
The room was not bad, not too plush, but furnished, clean and spacious. Pete took his luggage to his room, after some negative critique of the furnishings and a minor tantrum about not getting the larger room.  I brought my luggage into my room. Lily entered, closing the door. We hugged and kissed.
"I'm so happy to be with you in person, finally" I said, holding her in locked hands behind the small of her petite, yet muscular, back.
"Me too; you're fucking gorgeous. Did you bring Reshi's things?"
"Yes, three dozen" I laughed, "I never thought I would become an international dildo smuggler. I was scared as hell coming into Manila. You want to see them?"
"No, she will pick them up tomorrow." She moved out of my embrace. "I need to leave soon. Have work tomorrow. You are probably tired as fuck, aren't you?"
"Not really," I lied, "I just want to cuddle with you for awhile." I gently led her towards the bed, as she laughed and resisted.
"Hold on, I need a fucking beer." She stated, before leaving the room, pulling some money from her purse, and heading towards the door. "Do you want anything at the store downstairs?"
"No"
"Okay, I wrote down some rules, do's and don'ts for surviving Manila. Look these over while I am gone." She handed me the list written in her own handwriting. I read the common-sense rules while she was gone:
Malls near you:
MOA (Mall of Asia): cab fare shouldn't tally more than 100 pesos.
RP (Robinson's Place): cab fare shouldn't take more than 75 pesos. Tip cabbies 20-50 depending on attitude.
Buy something at convenience store to break big bills; outdoor vendors don't have change.
Do not carry big bills when walking on the streets.
Do not drink 'weird' drinks, like those ones with stuff floating in them. The water used is unsanitary.
Tap water here is not fit for drinking. Get bottled water from the supermarket.
Always use metered cabs. If cab does not have meter, look for another one.
Absolutely wear no gold jewelry when combing through the streets.
Stay away from dark alleys at night.
Lastly, do not ever, as in NEVER, drink or eat anything anyone gives you if you don't know them. There's a gang called 'Ativan Gang' here that targets unsuspecting foreigners, robbing them blind after they've passed out.
She returned fifteen minutes later with a bag full of beer and began placing them inside the refrigerator.
"I hope I don't get mugged by Ativan Gang," I joked.
"You read the rules?" she smiled.
"Yes, thank you for writing them down. You look so much more beautiful in person, I must say." I approached her and hugged her closely.
"Thank you for saying that," she replied. "I need to be leaving now. I will call you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay, let me walk you down to your car."
"No; trust me. It's much safer if I just go by myself."
I was puzzled and a bit wounded in my manly ego. "Why?"
"Because here, nobody fucks with me; just trust me. Now lock the fucking door and get your handsome ass to sleep."
Later, I would find out the truth. Nobody in Manila would dare to fuck with her. I locked the door and watched her walking down the hallway toward the elevator. Her arms swung, business-like, and her body had a slight lean forward. She walked like a badass, all one-hundred and five pounds of her. She was bossy, blunt and beautiful. I loved how she used the word 'fuck' in all its variations with such frequency. And, fuck, I was hopelessly in love with her. In fact, I still am. I'm fucked for life.
Pete and I explored Mabini Street the next morning. We ate breakfast at Jollibee and went to a park and some shops and visited the street vendors. We also visited an internet café to let friends and family know that we arrived safely. This was just a breakfast, scouting run, so we made it back to the Mirage within a few hours. After returning to room 1911, Pete complained of jet-lag and was going to take a nap. I decided to check out the pool on the fifteenth floor.
The pool was large, Olympic sized, and the water was crystal clear. It looked very inviting, and I was the only one there. I took a seat on the edge and allowed my bare feet to dangle in the water. I was there, relaxed and daydreaming, for a few minutes, when I heard a high-pitched screeching noise. Directly across the pool from where I sat was a huge, small cat-sized, rat. It stopped scurrying and its pink, fleshy tail swirled over the edge of the pool, dipping partially in the water. It turned its head and stared at me with its beady black eyes. The long, white whiskers twitched as it continued to stare directly at me. I wondered how this rat's life was like in Manila, as compared to rats back home. It looked more horrendous than United States rats, and I could even smell it from across the pool, the mangy wet-dog that rolled around in road kill smell. I sat, transfixed, from the ugliness and continued in the silent stare-down. One side of its mouth lifted, revealing a huge set of sharp teeth. The creature was smirking at me! I felt a darkness upon me that can only be described as a sudden black infusion of evil. I broke the gaze and hurried away from the pool, not even bothering to look back. I felt weak, different, contaminated somehow. I never mentioned the rat to Pete or anyone, until now. In hindsight, this incident was an omen, a warning that I failed to heed or recognize. It was a vile message to get the fuck out of there while I still could, but I failed to take it serious, since I was in love. Love conquers all, they say, even common sense, or, in my case, common sanity.
That night we met up in Makati at the Wagon Wheel. The plan was to introduce Pete to the sister of Lily's friend and invite her along for the three day trip to Boracay. Ann was in her twenties and her English was not too great. She served as an underling to her older sister, who married the moneyman behind the restaurant investment. It was a typical Manila Cinderella story; farm girl meets rich expatriate and family suddenly rises in social standing. Only in this case, the family had to keep the restaurant running. Ann was a manager over her three younger sisters and appeared to relish in her limited sphere of power to hide the naïve and insecure aspects of her personality. She tried to act and dress the part of businesswoman/ tycoon, but only a forty second conversation was necessary to gauge the shallowness of her intellect. Pete could have cared less. Being in his fifties, there was something about spending three days in a tropical paradise with a girl in her mid-twenties that allowed him to overlook any mental or personality deficiency. She agreed to meet us at the airport the following morning.
Lily called her driver, Sonny, and he was at the Wagon Wheel within five minutes to drive us back to the Mirage. When Lily spoke, Sonny listened attentively, he also referred to her as "boss". Lily explained that he has worked for her father many years and was one of his most loyal and trustworthy employees. Lily left with Sonny after dropping us off at the Mirage. It was late and Pete and I were both exhausted from the long flight. We agreed a good sleep was in order before boarding the plane the next morning to Boracay. Sleep came easy and I was out cold until three in the morning when the phone Lily had given me began to ring.
"Hello" I mumbled, barely conscious.
"Hey handsome, get your ass up. Reshi's on her way for the toys," stated Lily. I could barely open one eye to see the clock said three-twenty something.
"She's coming here?"
"Yes, in a few minutes. Get your sweet ass up."
"Okay" I mumbled, hanging up. I threw on some clothes and stumbled to the suitcase. I pulled the two bags out when there was a knocking at the door. I hoped Pete didn't wake up and come out of his room because I did not want to have to explain the late night dildo exchange.
I looked through the peep-hole and saw two large, muscular Filipino men in tight t-shirts. Then I noticed the gorgeous woman standing in-between them. If Lily was the Audrey Hepburn of Manila, then Reshi was the Pamela Anderson. She was shorter than Lily, but well-built, chesty, curvaceous and the energy and charisma to light up a dark room. She was dressed like a fashion model, tight skirt, heels, silky blouse and smelled heavenly. Her smile was electrically contagious.
"Hi Tim; how are you? It's so nice to finally meet you! I'm Lily's friend, Reshi," she said, extending her hand. To be honest, dear reader, yours truly wanted to kiss her hand, and more. There was an aura of sexuality about Reshi that made me aroused in just the five seconds of meeting her. I wanted to fuck her, but I belonged to Lily. Please don't think that Lily was any less beautiful. In fact, of the two, in terms of strict beauty, Lily wins because of her height, refined features, elegance and poise. In terms of raw sexuality, however, I have met few women that compare to Reshi.
"Lily said you brought three dozen and paid ten each. I will give you six-hundred," she said with a flirtatious smile. One of her henchmen then extracted a money-clip from his pocket and peeled six one-hundred dollar bills off into my hand. The other guy grabbed the two bags. Reshi giggled, "Aren't my guys hot?"
"I'm not sure about that," I answered, a bit shocked by her brazenness.
"It's a shame they're both gay. Anyway, sorry about waking you up; I was in the area. We will be leaving. I look forward to seeing you and Lily next week when you guys get back from Boracay!"
"Okay; and it was great to meet you, Reshi, bye for now!" I watched them walk down the hall. I went back to bed and had a hard-on as I fell back to sleep. The sensual aura of Reshi was a tough mental image to let go of. Her vivacious beauty was intoxicating.